Being in a foreign country, there is obviously a language barrier. This is not, however, a barrier that cannot be overcome. Gradually, you learn how to say, “No, I want my cerveza now, Bitch,” and, “You’re fucking crazy if you think I am paying that much for a taxi.”
Without help, there are certain things that foreigners will not be able to overcome. I have decided that it is my moral duty to teach these things to innocent, un-expecting folks who may be thinking of traveling or living in a tourist-heavy region of Mexico. The following are direct translations that I have learned from my time here. I certainly hope that this will be of assistance to the general gringo population.
1. “I will make a special deal for you, my friend.”
TRANSLATION:
I am gonna charge you twice as much as the last gringo tourist.
2. “It’s almost free!”
TRANSLATION:
You are about to get ripped off.
3. “It’s a good apartment. Only 8000 pesos a month!”
TRANSLATION:
It is a flooded, filthy, shit-hole… perfect for lovers of large insects.
4.
TRANSLATION:
This is the same nasty, seedy, brick weed you can buy in South Texas, but I am gonna charge you three times as much.
5. “This pipe is made of Crystal.”
TRANSLATION:
By “Crystal,” I mean blown glass.
6. “There is no way that you can find it for that price.”
TRANSLATION:
I know exactly where you can get it for that price, but I am just not going to tell you.
7. “Um… the taxi fare is 40 pesos.”
TRANSLATION:
The taxi fare is 20 pesos, but I think you are an idiot, so I am gonna charge double.
8. “You look Rich; like a Movie Star.”
TRANSLATION:
You’re white and I want your money.
9. “Please help us maintain a clean bathroom.”
TRANSLATION:
Please try to hit the toilet and don’t smash the cockroaches. It leaves a huge mess.
10. “Please throw your toilet tissue in the waste basket.”
TRANSLATION:
Please throw your shit-covered toilet paper anywhere but in the toilet. Our sewer system can’t handle it.
11. “You look like Jesus.”
TRANSLATION:
Wow, you can grow facial hair.
12. “The tip is included.”
TRANSLATION:
The tip is included, but I am going to pout like a little baby if you don’t leave more.
13. “The public restroom is located over there.”
TRANSLATION:
The restroom is wherever you can find a hidden corner or an empty bottle. And don’t worry; you can leave the piss-filled bottle anywhere you would like.
14. “Yeah! I know Denver!”
TRANSLATION:
I illegally worked in Denver!
15. “I will let you know in about an hour.”
TRANSLATION:
I will call you in a few days, or whenever I feel like it, or maybe never.”
16. “I can walk your dog 3 times a day, 5 days a week, for only 200 pesos!”
TRANSLATION:
I will swing by once if I feel like it and take your dog out for a few minutes, then let him sit in his kennel and piss all over himself for the rest of the day for only 200 pesos!
17. “We will wash your Jeep and have it done in about an hour.”
TRANSLATION:
We will wash your Jeep, and then we will let one of our employees (we don’t actually have record of) take it, wreck it a few times and then sue you for the damage.
18. “Our chicken is delicious!”
TRANSLATION:
Our iguana is delicious!
19. “I have the best prices around!”
TRANSLATION:
Please believe me! Please believe me!
20. “If you are going to buy some crap you don’t need, it is better to buy it here!”
TRANSLATION:
We all have the same junk, but I have 18 kids! Please help!
21. “This is cheaper than K-Mart!”
TRANSLATION:
This will break before you make it home.
22. “Wanna see my junk? I am a farmer.”
TRANSLATION:
(Huh?) I would get my ass kicked if I said this in the States, but I’ll say any random shit to get you to look at the cheap China crap I have for sale.
23. “Hola, amigo! Come in and break something so you can buy it!”
TRANSLATION:
Hey, Buddy! Come in and break something so you can buy it!
24. “Welcome to the Cancun ‘Ambiance Villas.’ Have a nice stay.”
TRANSLATION:
We have no idea what “ambiance” means. Eat my ass.
25. “Yes, the bar sells water, but I’m on break.”
TRANSLATION:
Fuck off. I’m on break.
26. “Yes, we have a pool.”
TRANSLATION:
Yes, there is a hole in the ground filled with rainwater. Watch out for the dead scorpions.”
27. “Oh, you can brush your teeth with the tap water but I wouldn’t drink it.”
TRANSLATION:
I’m gonna laugh my ass off when you get the shits later.”
To be continued…
It may sound like I am ranting a bit so, to be fair, I will say this…Life here is beautiful. The people are beautiful and the sea is beautiful. I wake up each ay and thank the Universe for bringing me here. I have been given such an amazing gift and, for that, I will be eternally grateful. Yes, there are many circumstances that would leave less “stable” individuals with a bad taste in their mouth. I enjoy the humor in every situation and I hope that I can make others laugh as well. Nature, kind people, delicious food and breathtaking views are all around me, and are here for anyone who is open to receive. Namaste.
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