Dear _________,

I consider the two dates we went on as nothing more than a comedic scene in my memory. I was never attracted to you. We were casual friends, but from a dating standpoint I thought you were creepy.

Nothing physical happened between us, thank goodness, not even a kiss. I find the idea somewhat revolting actually.

I guess the only reason I owe you a note is to clear the air regarding the night that I allegedly stole your car.

First of all, when you invite a girl to your birthday party, she usually expects a party. You and two of your idiot friends playing Nintendo does not count. Secondly, it is usually not the best etiquette to answer the door completely hammered drunk… that is supposed to happen as the night progresses. I politely sat long enough to drink one beer before I decided I had enough. I remember wanting to kick myself for being dropped off with no plan for a ride home.

I told you that it was time for me to leave and had made the commitment to call a cab. You followed me to the parking lot, keys in hand, stumbling belligerently, insisting that you could drive me home. I didn’t want to spend the fifty bucks it would take to pay for a cab, but I certainly didn’t want to end up dead either. So when I watched you fumbling through the keys and trying to decipher which car was yours… well, let’s just say that I have an inner evil laugh. It was too easy.

I slowly sat in the passenger seat and closed the door as you clumsily plopped in the driver’s side and tried to stick the key in the stereo. I watched the hilarity for a few seconds before you found the ignition. It was perfect. You hadn’t even shut the door. I shifted my weight and, using both legs, I kicked you out of the car and on to the pavement. I jumped in to the driver’s seat, shut the door and took off before you even had time to roll over. I probably could have just left it at that, but I couldn’t help myself. I reached my arm out the window, gave you the finger, and yelled, “LATER, FUCKER!!!”

I laughed for a solid 15 minutes on my way home. And, hey, I was nice enough to bring your car back the next day.