Dear ___________,

I think the way that I threw myself at you was atrocious. Sorry about that. I couldn’t have made it any more obvious that I was in to you. I guess I was just frustrated that you wouldn’t give in… and I couldn’t figure out why. The night that I stayed with you and Jenny in Greeley was pretty pathetic. I am sure that you would agree. I made up some lame excuse for why the couch wouldn’t work and then I conned my way in to your bed. I may as well have just said, “Fuck me” but you weren’t having any of it.

I thought I would try to get your attention once more when we went to the Tom Petty concert. Jenny and I made a pact that we would get “hoed out,” dressing scandalously with the intention of making a bad name for young women every where. I bought a new outfit and, I must say, I looked hot. My hair was cooperating perfectly that day and my butt looked amazing in those pants. I had no trouble attracting attention from everyone but you. Even Jenny was in to it. She and I marched around Red Rocks like we owned the place. We even decided to walk right in to the men’s bathroom instead of waiting in line for the women’s. No one complained.

I would have been happy calling it a night once we left Red Rocks, but the big party was that night. Everyone was there. A mutual friend had a cabin in the mountains and had arranged an overnight party for every trainer from the restaurant we all worked for. We arrived to find the party in full swing. Our co-workers were all inebriated. I partially have myself to blame. I had loaned my famous “Drunk Jenga” game to the group just for this occasion. Apparently it had been a hit. Katy, who I loathed, greeted me with wine stained teeth and some warbled story about how she had fallen down a hill and her prosthetic leg had come off. I laughed, picturing how glorious that must have been. What I wouldn’t give to watch that dumb bitch tumble down a hill, her wooden appendage following closely behind.

Walking in to a party where everyone is already heavily intoxicated can really be a drag. No pot-head likes to hang around a bunch of slobbering idiots, so I decided to hang out on the deck. I had a bag of weed, a cold beer, a blanket and pillow and about a gazillion stars to keep me company. I hung out for a while until I heard someone say something about truth or dare. I listened to the muffled laughs and random uproars and postponed using the bathroom until it was absolutely necessary. When I could hold it no longer, I went inside. What I saw I don’t think I will ever forget.

Ray was one of the “older” of our co-workers and I say this gently because he could have fathered many of the rest of us. Maybe it was his divorce that drove him to complete insanity, I don’t know. What else could compel a grown man to pull out his nasty testicles and slap them against a young girl’s forehead on a dare? I was horrified. At the same instant I witnessed the tea-bagging, I also looked over to find you, bent over, pants at your knees with a piece of my Drunk Jenga game shoved neatly in your ass.

“Wow!” I said out loud, “You can keep the fucking game.”

Hilarity insued. That is when I realized that several people were documenting every dare with disposable cameras. I couldn’t decide who was in for more humiliation, the people who would later be blackmailed because of the photos, or the poor kid being paid minimum wage at Walgreen’s to develop them.

Needless to say, my attraction to you vanished instantly. Thereafter, I became revolted at the thought of you. I was so grateful that I never succeeded in getting in your pants. Who knows… you may have asked me to stick a light bulb or a tire iron or a small rodent in your ass. That would have been terribly awkward. And while I will never be able to erase the things that I saw from my mind, I much prefer those memories to any that may have been made with you in an intimate setting.

I made no secret of what I saw that night. I told everyone who would listen. I had no mercy. For you or anyone else. Sure, I received an attitude from those who were bitter I spent the night on the deck, but they said nothing when pictures of testicles, tits and hairy ass cracks started to circulate. Thank goodness for self-respect. ☺