Dear ___________,

I don’t know if you ever realized that the leopard print thong you so carelessly left out had been hung from the fire sprinkler in your room. I still wonder if you left it there.

Our fling was doomed from the beginning. I think we both knew it. That trip to the vineyards in California was fun, but I think anything can be fun after several bottles of wine. I don’t remember exactly, but did you really have the balls to go down on me on that bus ride back to the hotel? I am not sure… Surely there was someone in our group who was sober enough to remember… maybe not.

Now, help me out… did we fuck in the elevator that night, or was that a different night? We thought we were smooth thinking no one was on the elevator at 3:00 AM. That poor guy was either traumatized or thrilled to see your white ass pounding away when the elevator doors opened. I am sorry that I couldn’t stop laughing. Gratuitous public displays of sex make me feel a little silly. Plus, his reaction was classic.

“Uh… I’ll… uh… take the next one.” He said over my uncontrollable giggles.

I don’t think we finished… that seemed to be our story. The second time we tried to do it sober. Big mistake. I realized that I didn’t really find you all that attractive. I think your thought process was about the same, because you shriveled and shrank as I vainly tried to convince myself that I was turned on. I think we both decided at the same time that we were done trying. Have you every tried to stick a limp noodle in a rusted keyhole? That’s a metaphor, of course.

Everything was just so awkward. It took me until that last day to really figure it out. I don’t remember what brought all of us to your room, but there were several of us there. You were packing to leave and had apparently forgotten that all of your skivvies were on the bed for everyone to see.

All of the sudden it hit me… I have never had a good sexual experience with a man who wears thongs. Sorry, I just find it seriously creepy. Add to that the fact that they were leopard print and I think every person in the room was thinking exactly what I was…

“This guy is totally gay.”

Don’t get me wrong I love gay people. They give great décor and fashion advice and who doesn’t love a woman who will sport a t-shirt that reads, “I dig your girlfriend.” However, never did I intend to have numerous awkward, semi-public sexual encounters with someone who was questioning which team they wanted to bat for.

It wasn’t my idea to hang the thong up on the sprinkler. It was Joe’s. I don’t think that crazy Mexican likes gay people as much as I do.

A rumor surfaced only a few weeks after the trip. People started to say that you had been caught red handed with someone of the same sex. It was a big scandal for a while. I simply disregarded it. After all, I already knew.